Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling confused or doubting yourself—even though, honestly, you had a solid point? That’s one of the sneaky signs of unintentional gaslighting—when someone dismisses your feelings, memories, or perception without meaning to.

It’s not intentional manipulation, but it can still wear down your trust and sense of worth over time. In this post, you’ll learn what unintentional gaslighting is, how it impacts mental health, how to tell whether it’s unintentional or purposeful, and most importantly, how to stop it. Whether you’re navigating friendships, school, or a dating situation, these tips help you reclaim your voice and strengthen emotional boundaries.

What is it:

The term “unintentional gaslighting” is used to describe when someone unintentionally tries to deny your reality to make you feel like a fool, confused, or unsure of yourself. Even though it is done unintentionally, it is still a form of psychological abuse.

People often engage in gaslighting to gain power and avoid responsibility for their actions.

This can be done either subconsciously or intentionally, and the person who is gaslighting may not be aware of how their words and actions affect the other person’s mental state.

Effects, and how it is still abuse:

Although unintentional gaslighting isn’t as damaging or intentional as intentional manipulation, it can still be classified as emotional abuse depending on the context and circumstances. Emotional abuse is classified as “a pattern of conduct in which one person intentionally and repeatedly subjects another person to non-physical acts that harm one’s behavior, affective functioning, and overall mental health.”

So, even if it is unintentional, it can still have a significant impact on someone’s relationships. It can make someone not want to trust the other person. If it happens often enough, it can have long-term effects on the person’s mental health (e.g., anxiety, nervousness, depression, etc.).

Not all unintentional gaslighting is the same, and not all cases of unintentional gaslighting are equally damaging or severe. However, if the behavior is long-lasting and has a significant impact on the victim’s well-being, then it is still considered emotionally abusive.

Over time, it will become harder to trust someone who engages in this kind of behavior.

This can lead to:

• Less willingness to trust the person: Repeatedly engaging in this kind of gaslighting can make the person seem untrustworthy or unapproachable.
• Higher risk of depression: When you’re constantly surrounded by a person who makes you doubt your reality, even when it’s not intentional, it can raise your risk of depression, especially if your self-confidence or self-esteem is already low.
• Less satisfaction in a relationship: When you don’t feel like you can trust or depend on your partner, either in the workplace, school, or anywhere else, it can lead to resentment and other negative emotions. This can cause you to feel contempt in the situation and relationship with the other person.

5 signs of unintentional gaslighting:

• Dissmissing: The act of dismissing another person’s feelings or concerns, such as saying “you’re overreacting” or “it’s nothing”, is called “toxic positivity”. While this can be done with good intentions, it is still considered gaslighting. It reflects that the other person is not trustworthy, which may negatively affect a person’s relationships. Gaslighting can also be done by continuously pushing one’s idea, feeling, or perception of something, even if it is unintentional.
• Blaming the victim: Claiming that the victim’s actions or choices caused the negative outcome, such as “it’s nothing” or “it was because you X”. The most common example would be that you are in a romantic relationship, and your partner cheats on you. Instead of admitting to their mistakes, they cite reasons why they cheated on you and try to leave you with the blame instead.
• Contradiction: Offering contradictory information or opinions, such as “you’re not hungry” when a child asks for a snack. This is usually one of the most common signs of gaslighting. When you first encounter it, it might leave you confused, and once it starts happening commonly enough, you will start to doubt your feelings and simply trust whatever the other person says.
• Forgetting Details: Forgetting important things or events that are important to the other person is unintentional gaslighting. We have all been in a situation where we forget something, only to be reminded of it later. Sometimes, someone unintentionally gaslights because they are stubborn and refuse to admit that they were wrong, especially for perfectionists who constantly second-guess themselves.
• Telling white lies: Telling a small lie, usually said to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, is still gaslighting, as you are still tricking them. This is still gaslighting, although it is mostly done with good intentions. An example would be that if someone missed a big event, and you try to make them feel better by telling them that it was not that big of a deal, it is still considered a form of lying and manipulation.

How to know if it is intentional or not:

To investigate a situation where you are uncertain of the intent of a certain behavior, consider the following approach:

1. Responsibility: How does the person handle taking responsibility for their behavior? For example, does he/she blame others or reflect on his/her behavior and its consequences?
2. Reaction: How does he/she respond to different perspectives about his/her behavior? Does he/she act defensively, angrily, and/or deny it, or does he/she listen to and reflect on the comments made by others?
3. Response: Does he/she change once he/she understands how people feel about his/her actions? Is he/she willing to change? Is he or she willing to escalate his/her behavior to win at any cost, or is he/she open to compromise? Does he or she sincerely apologize for anything he/she has done?

Take a step back and consider your responses in context. If the person is open to feedback and willing to change, this could be a sign that they are unconscious of gaslighting. In this case, you may be able to point out these actions to them diplomatically and suggest positive solutions to work on or redirect their behavior.

If you think that the person is intentionally and systematically gaslighting you or someone else, it’s time to start looking for ways to get out of the relationship, preferably with the help of friends and family, a therapist or trauma-informed coach, and if you’re still unsure about what the person is up to, talk to a professional who can help you work through your feelings.

What to do if you notice it, in you and others:

Although unintentional gaslighting will often happen without your awareness, you will most likely become aware of it eventually. Luckily, there are ways a person can effectively respond to unintentional gaslighting in their relationships while expressing their concerns in healthy ways.

Below are tips for responding to unintentional gaslighting:

1. Engage in Emotional Self-Care When dealing with gaslighting, it is important to focus on your truth. This can help you maintain your confidence and self-esteem during this time, which is essential for fighting gaslighting.
2. Call Out the Behavior: Sometimes, it is helpful to confront someone about their gaslighting behavior and talk through it. This may not stop it in its tracks, but it may help to reduce it in the future, or at least prevent it from happening in the first place.
3. Give an Alternative Opinion: Sometimes, unintentional gaslighting is based on power and control dynamics, such as gender and sexuality. This can be a sign that a toxic relationship is brewing, and someone may want to leave or break up with the person.
4.  Give them a chance to see that there are alternative ways to view the situation, and hopefully they will say something like, “Oh, I didn’t think of it that way, thank you! When someone tries to gaslight us, it can be annoying. But being patient while you investigate further can help you avoid conflict.
5. Ask questions: By asking follow-up questions, you can get more information. For example, did your partner check the top shelf for that cereal they claimed wasn’t in the store? Or did they ask the store associate? Also, try to think about what the person is trying to say.

It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment, but think about what they’re trying to say. They’re not trying to hurt you, so don’t let them get away with it.

Final thoughts

Unintentional gaslighting occurs when another person’s actions cause one to question their sense of reality. It can be difficult to tell if you’re being gaslit intentionally or unconsciously, but the guilt, confusion, and pain you feel are very real. Almost everyone has experienced gaslighting at some point in their lives.

Everywhere I look, I see friends unintentionally gaslighting each other. A person says, “it’s all good,” but their tone of voice, facial expression, and body language are all telling a different story. In many cases, this is done to avoid an argument or to avoid expressing your emotions, but it is still gaslighting if it is done frequently. It can also blur into toxic positivity, silencing real emotional pain.

Some of the behaviors you thought were normal may be mild forms of gaslighting once you understand what unintentional gaslighting is. Now you can break free from its bonds and help identify it in others, too.

Your Turn:

Have you ever realized someone was unintentionally gaslighting you, or that you were doing it to someone else without meaning to? How did you handle it?

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